tl;dr Instant besties don’t work out for me in the long run.
In
I talked about how I think about human connection as someone with both a history of trauma & a twisty brain. We can establish a bridge with another person. We can walk half way across. We can meet in the middle. That’s connection.
(I’m the one in the hat, in case you don’t recognize me.)
That connection can ripen & mature over time (topic for another day) but the basics remain—a bridge, and half way across.
Not all connections are good, are nourishing. Sometimes there’s just not a fit—my needs don’t fit what you can offer, your needs don’t fit what I can offer. Sometimes that lack of fit is down to timing, sometimes it’s structural, seemingly permanent.
As someone who both craves & fears connection, how can I spot connections that are likely not to end up mutually nourishing? Put bluntly, what do red flags look like in the bridge analogy? What can I do when I realize this connection is not a connection that’s healthy for me to continue in?
Too Far: Me
One form of red flag is when I go too far—I go all the way to the other person’s side of the bridge. This happens when I go to the middle but the other person isn’t joining me.
This manifests as, on their part:
Cooler emotional tones
Less vulnerability
Less time investment
Less responsiveness
When I’m feeling lonely, desperately in need of connection, I sometimes try to force the issue by further upping my tone, disclosure, time, responsiveness.
What’s wrong with going too far over? First, it drives some people away. Too much, too soon, leave me alone, creep. Second, there’s no end to how much I can give to try to force connection. Third, the folks who aren’t driven away tend to take advantage of, encourage, my over-giving. Not sustainable. Not a mutually nourishing connection.
Too Far: Them
The reverse happens as well. I connect with someone & they immediately become my best friend—I’ll give you this, and that, and this, and that. Let me tell you my whole life story. Buy you presents. Take you to meet my family.
NGL this feels good for a moment. I wanted connection. I got it. And I didn’t really have to work for it. What’s wrong?
Nothing is wrong with all those good things flowing between us, but in good time & in good proportion. Someone who is willing to instantly give give give doesn’t have a good sense of their own boundaries. If they don’t have a sense of their boundaries, they won’t have a sense of my boundaries either.
I’ve been lied to, stolen from, & manipulated by people who were instantly sharing too much. If they don’t have boundaries with themselves, they won’t have boundaries with me. And vice versa. Hard lesson but there you are.
Conclusion
I keep open the possibility of connection. I try to stay aware of where I am on the bridge. When I start edging over to their side, I cool myself off (& reflect on why I want to go too far). When someone edges over to my side, I cool myself off. If they insist on trying to be on my side of the bridge, I shut down the connection. Life is too short & the consequences too dear.
I'm glad to be connected to you a little bit!
Successful human relationships also follow the universal principle of balance: passive and active forces, push and pull, black and white, yin and yang. And we are not one or the other all the time. Healthy connections are about giving and taking interchangeably: in my opinion, most people aren't introverts or extroverts all the time. Meeting in the middle of the bridge is a beautiful analogy to all of this. Where I'd differ is that sometimes I'm a taker and I'll want the other person to cross over without much or any ceremony and sometimes it'll be ok for me to be a giver if the other person wants me walking onto his side. There's still balance.
When does this pattern become an anti pattern? when does it result in me turning down an invitation to cross over or denying entry on a day when I'm a taker?
At some point the overthinking threshold is hit. Giving an opinion is an act of faith and courage: I do not know if it will be welcomed. Specially today, where almost any opinion may be seen as a disrespected boundary very quickly. When to give it or be open to put up with one belongs, in my opinion, to the intuitive realm of things.
We all have non-negotiable principles and values, I'm constantly breaking down where mine come from, a personal responsibility we all have: know yourself. Wondering what meeting in the middle to exercise a healthy exchange would look like for two people with complete opposite sets of values and principles.